I wanna wanna wanna wanna wanna …

Five things i want to do right now..and all at the same time:

1. Create that tool which i am really interested in

2. Create a multiplayer POKER game in flash

3. Create Despo’s website

4. Get serious about that domain buying thing, investigate and show some progress with that

5. Resume blogging(Shyu! for the nth time!)

 

The funny part is, almost all the time, all the five come together and i end up doing nothing! I could relate this situation u know..oh wow, that would be to my whole life!  

Anyway, long time no see again.. I made some progress with my productivity of late. Deactivated my Facebook profile and i feel that’s one of the best decisions i made in last 5 years. My productivity has increased exponentially and I feel so surprised at times to have found myself with so much time to spend!

And then, i acted in a Theatrical Drama under a studio called Expressions. It was  an amazing experience. Just don’t have words for how happy i felt doing it.

And then there was this really sad phase due to this..incident.. it was sad, i’m over it..so are others..almost..

My brother got ‘The most Innovative Fashion Designer’ Award and also got selected for a national level fashion show to be conducted in Delhi. Felt extremely Happy and Proud hearing his achievement. He has brought it all by himself. By extreme hard work like i have never seen in anyone, at least this generation of my family. Some day he will grow to become someone who makes a bigger chunk of people happy and proud. His visions are clear, unlike me..

And yes, of course, work..work is getting very interesting nowadays. More than work i enjoy the extra work which we got of late. If we do that well, that is bound to make a wave. Well, ‘if’ we do well..

em..that’s all for now. I actually came to publish another post i’m half-way through.. a post about something hat happened with me.. n got all sentimental before finishing it.. Will publish it someday..

Closed confessions of the third mind..

Ok here it goes…
Before I start telling you about the reason for my present restlessness/mood/problem , I want to state some ground rules/statements:
1. I truly love my job and the work I have here.
2. I love the freedom they give me..the respect..the cash( of course.. )..I actually love going to office everyday too..its a fun place where I ‘also’ work..
3. I know I am lazy.. self motivated only at times (unless something COMPLETELY excites me)
4. It’s not the usual college missing thing. I miss my college of course..but that’s not the reason.

My issue is.. I’m missing a thrill.. a fire or an excitement inside.. No no..maybe I have it in me..but I’m not able to gather myself to move ahead with the spark.. to make a difference.. I don’t know what I should be doing.. even technically, I spend two-three hours thinking whether I should make an app in python for my phone or make a windows gadget or a win phone 7 app or a simple website for my own.. not that im good at any of these..all these’ll take good learning time as well..but atleast i’ll be doing something..n i chose a tech perspective so that i could get self-motivated..bah! I kindo decided to stop facebooking for sometime..let me see how much justice i can do to it..Yesterday Sunny(my flatmate) told me about a guy who sued a gaming company for not having a disclaimer saying its addictive! I really don’t wanna sue mark Zuckerberg n make half the world my enemies.. So this blog is like a resolution checkpoint for the same.. I shouldn’t be just wasting away my youth in refreshin web pages.. I’m gonna do something.. and i WILL..

Cosmos…

Long long time.. i had my own reasons u know.. Blogging played with my life.. people went away from me reading my posts.. i had to delete a few.. hide a few.. n i had my time sulking about lost people.. now fuck everything.. realised too late that its my choice to blog what i like.. stupid, i know.. but whatheheck..the point is, I’m back..’happily blogged’..

A weird though occurred to me today. No..I would be lying if i say ‘today’.. i had been thinking about it since quite long..Maybe they are right u know..maybe there actually is a cosmic energy around us which binds and separates us. Whenever i had a song in my mind, I’ve seen someone around me sing that song the next moment..maybe its a transfer of the cosmic energy from that person’s neural transfer which influenced mine..I mean it cannot be a coincidence..it has occurred more than enough times to rule out that possibility..Similar is the cosmic energy for attraction..the mere thought of it lures and scares at the same time..sometimes u are so sure that the other person knows what u r thinking..When i try to look at my life in such a perspective..where our cosmic energy defines/satisfies our needs..so transparent and so powerful..it feels good..that makes me reassure everything is not written like those non-pragmatic assholes say..We choose our life..our events..we have the complete right..We turn it the way we want..whenever we want..and that’s so much of fun! After all, we are responsible for the consequences..and if u don’t regret what your mind wanted you to do, all the more fun!

‘Charm’ : Is that the word?

Charm… What is ‘charm’..or ‘to charm’ or ‘charming’? Attractiveness that interests or pleases or stimulates? What was it today then? U see, There’s this ‘charming friend’ of mine…whose eyes i cannot bear to be filled..whose problems i cannot bear to be unresolved..whose pain i cannot bear to be discomforted..n she charmed me today, charmingly..wonderfully..But unfortunately it costs more to change my intuition based assumptions..but i so wished i gave in..

Philosophically speaking,
Friendship costs? It does..
People change? ‘course they do..

I didnt wanna go there..but neither did i want her to wait..FUCK man.its been so long..n is still cant get over it..”I knew you would come.. ” did that make me feel good? i dont know..i dont think so..i wanna be out..n i proposed d same..n then it started flowing..trust..nostalgia..im happy i used to write my diary those days..the ordeal was d worst of mine..but hey, why r v gettin diverted?

does tears weaken every masculine soul?Its not fair then..

Messages.. Aniya and Me..

Alfan to Aniya… :

Date : 30th June
” Even in the most intricate of situations, when we analyze it with negative constraints taking priority..just a small thought on the positive part, maybe hypothetical or real, impossible or feasible..gives that chance to ‘hope’..which makes a huge difference..and hence rise a wide scope worth generating all the adrenaline and energy within.. It’s so beautiful..it took me 21 years and two very important people in my life to realize this..and the most important among them is you, Aniya…i owe u a huge one.. “

Date : 5th July
” Remember i told you about a fate equation..where everything turns out to be zero at the end when one dies? I don’t think it’s true now..there are certain people with fate as cruel as cruelty can be..and the part which hurts is to know there is little they can hope for..and little we can promise..because they have seen fate..and deny to believe in destiny! “

Date : 20th August
” Aniya..At times when all hopes seem to bid bye..when they look helplessly at the invisible tear in my eye..when i wade through the labyrinth of emotions..of faces..of thoughts..of memories..with silent cries for help..there’s one which takes me to happiness..to vigor..the warmth of thoughts about you..seriously..you are someone very special in my life Aniya..I am so happy that we met some day.. “

Aniya to Alfan… :

Date : 19th September
” 30 years from now, it wouldn’t matter what shoes you wore or how your hair looked..What matters is what you learned and how you used it… “

Date : 18th January
” Stop realizing facts because you have capability to do better. Believe it otherwise i wouldn’t have said it.. U need to focus, prioritize things & have confidence to learn things..Don’t delay them unnecessarily..because time won’t come back.. “

Date : 5th February
” Alfan..You know what, i met a little boy today..he wanted to thank me but he cannot speak..Then the person who was with him told him to smile.. When he smiled, it was so beautiful and full of radiance, i just..will never forget his face. The best part was, he was able to convey just so much more than thanks.. Thaks Alfan..for having confidence in me.. “

Date : 20th May
” I just want to tell you that don’t do anything forcefully..If you would enjoy it, then nothing can distract you from it! Believe in oyurself and then see how everything around you changes..Time never waits for anyone..and when it is still there, capture it as beautifully as u can.. “

The Story

Since childhood, i have a very sincere wish..to pen down my imaginations & thoughts in the exact manner..in the due course of working hard 4 dis wish evolved my diary..my penbook..but all non-worthy tries i guess..not even a single time i was able to do it..wonder how poets do that…
N now, i wanna give a try in this blog of mine…
I’m gonna start a new story..Somethin which is a need now, more than a wish..to put everything..everything down to words..n feel free..
I’d love to thank my diary for this thought…n her…n u…
It’l be categorized under ‘Story’..i’l update soon..

The Beautiful Truth…

It was a cold night…3am…

I can see my friends around…all f’em sittin on the bed in a circular manner…she was sitting next to me, lookin amazingly beautiful…I always felt proud whenever she talks only to me or sits next to me when there are poeple around…my mind’l b like ” Ha! shez more close to me than to u all..Bad luck people!Shez jus mine..”..mad..The night was fun…didnt notice how time was going at all…we laughed..listened..teased…and at last when everyone got tired, one f us, i dont  remember who, started asking questions to others concernin their personal lives…Everyone seemed to somehow enjoy it as its always a good timepass to listen either to a person’s griefs or his life’s personal matters which is masked to the world…All of us joined in and started doing the same to random people around..It was slow n smooth..all answers were listened with utmost interest..and all answers wer truthfully spoken with filled emotion…Maybe its the time..or was it the mood i dont know..

The question hit me like a bolt! I jumped : “Excuse me?” ..

“God..” ..he replied lazily..”I asked what is your opinion about HER?What’s she to you..tel us..”..Suddenly the whole room became silent..i felt like everyone wanted to ask this question to me since long..but never did..Girls removed mufflers from their ears n boys straightened their legs..what was al this? getting ready for the answer?

But…what is she to me…I have never given this a thought earlier…I always loved loving her more n more but never..never did i think f a reason for it…What should i say? Or..how much should i say? U know i always found these romantic dialogues like” i dnt knw where to start..where to end” etc as dumbest of things..but at that moment..Where the hell would i start? neither is she my girlfriend nor m i gna propose her..then y am i thinkin dis much n y confused?..I looked to my left where she sat…i saw her eyes..yes, even she was expecting..She looked like a baby..a total sweetheart..our eyes locked…And then i spoke..

I dnt remember what i spoke and when did i finish…but felt so good after that..others continued the game asking silly things to other people..laughin around..but i was not in a mood to laugh..i felt myself alleviated to a different level…a nice smooth one…

“psst..psst…” she was calin me..

“Ya..?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Sorry? for what sweetheart?” God i felt like hugging her..

“For the last few days…the way i was behaving with u…u know i was frustrated right? I told u na,the whole ambience around here is driving me nuts..”, and she looked at me with such a cute face filled with guilt,expecting forgiveness…God…she is the cutest..

I smiled…i pulled her close to me n kissed her forehead..She gave me back the most beautiful smile ive ever seen in my life..

Others were still not done with their games n jokes..She was lying down with her head on my lap..my legs stretched..i sat leaning on the wall with one hand on the bed and the other brushin her hair..her hand on bed caught mine…our fingers crossed..n that time, a cold stream f somethin flowed with full pressure inside me…it was so so beautiful…like..ice cold water slitherin through red hot rock…painful, yet beautiful…Oh, i would do anything for her…anything!

She suddenly turned her head towards me n asked…”Did u ever lie to me?”…I looked at her face with all the love i have in this world n said ” I can’t..even if i wish to…” ..n that was the ultimate truth which is…beautiful…

Words…

Words..words r really amazing rite?A good combination of’em can even take someone’s heart away..or even break it..or even mend thngs..though v forget most of the combination of words v hear, some remain really long..v treasure some, fear some, and even  fight some..howmuchever close u r to someone, a really bad combination of words from that person to you can shatter the whole thing..U may start moving away for their sake..Some words, u regret u shudnt’ve said..some combination of words are not meant to be said..U need to be really mature to know which,else u mite even get the worst blow of ur life..sometimes u r out of words..that’s wen u reach extremes of ur emotions..same words when framed in different ways can give different outputs..isn’t that amazing?Words make u think..words make u laugh..words make u cry..I know ‘words’ is not a good angle to analyse situations but..its only words..n words are all i have..to take ur..er..time away..

The adventurous Delhi trip.. ;)

I never decided on a fixed date to go to delhi since i came bac to bhopal coz f  al dis hostel admission shit n also, coz f some secret trips i made after cmin bac.. ..so at last on a saturday, 12th f july’08 i decided to go on 13th as that was the only convenient date.. As my dad doesn own indian railway, i naturally didn get ticket for the upward journey but got a confirmed return ticket.. I checked up internet n found that there are about 8 trains from Bhopal to delhi between 7′o’clock n 10′o’clock..so i took a general ticket with hopes f convertin it 2 sleeper..Deepak was dere wid me to see me off..bloody v tried all d trains n none f’em had n empty seat..i even killed my grandfather n almost made my cousin sister giv birth to a baby while tryin out ways with ttr..

So at last, wen d last train’s ttr also turned his back 2wrds us, i jumped into d sleeper wen the train started movin..i jus had a backpack so i told deepak i’l try 4 a sleeper from jhansi n better go in general itself till there..i didn hav a seat(i still dont understand y did i even expect to get 1)..i sat in d corner with my back on d door..had a granny sittin nxt to me..she was fun..v had some fun commentin about people sittin inside until i slept off coz f tiredness..i jus started droopin when suddenly somebody jus shouted on my ear ” UTTHO!!!!” I jumped to my feet n asked “KYA HUA??” to hear him shout back “JHANSI AA GAYI!!” n i dnt know y i asked bac “THO??“..he lookd impatient when he screamed “HAME UTARNA HAI!!!“..”Oh..“..thaz wen i came to my senses to realise jhansi was a station n people travel in trains to get down at stations..When people started gettin down, i saw n empty seat n thanking my dad inside 4 takin me for all those superhero movies, i did a cool dive n did a perfect placing f my ass on that seat..at first, i actually didnt get y that guy was starin at me as if i ate his cake..n then, very impatiently he explained dat he didn expect anyone to sit on his seat wen he jus got up to pick his polythene..to avoid physical damage, i got up but by then all seats wer filled..then i saw a void space(sorry 4 technical word usage..) in between two side seats..i sat there..not even 20 minutes had passed when the guy sittin on one f those side seats told me in hindi this:”Listen, when you wer sittin i had my legs placed towards the bottom part f my seat.now i feel like stretching my legs, so can u go n sit somewhere else?” guts f him..ass!!!i dunno whoch grandmom f his told him dat general compartment is a place where people tie hammocks n relax..I very patiently(i swear) made him understand dat its not jus me whoz sittin like dis n many humans share d same bloody fate f mine in d same compartment so he should better relax.N here comes the million dollar question f d day 4m him mouth”So..what are you sayin? i made a mistake by letting you sit?telme..“..as if im sittin on his lap..im on d floor u moron!!But i didn say anything..i gave him a look n turned my face away..He bloody had d guts to ask dat again louder to me..even this time i ignored..iwas already frustrated to d core..n when he asked 4 the thrid time, i placed my hand over his thighs as a sympathetic gesture n with such a tone, i said” Yaar…bad luck!!!…i knw its hard to take in but next time be careful before givin space to anyone ok??” People sittin next to me giggled..n im sure dis guy didn xpect dis n he was expectedly taken aback!!

Train was moving n now he started taking his revenge by kickin me..first time he kicked, i didn say nethng..2nd time i looked at him n said”:Listen, im no toy..so u better stop kickin“..u can only imagine wat kind f frustration iwas feelin n on top f dat, iwas sweating n dere dere was no space to even place a needle..n wen i was goin through all dis frustration inside dis moron kicks me AGAIN…my blood was already boiling rage rushed inside me..i stood n caught his collar…i dnt exactly remember wat happened next..nobody slapped me fought me r anything..iwas on d air..so many people wer holdin me on deir shoulders i think..n iwas movin..next second i saw myself thrown out f general compartment..God that was d time wen i realised  people takin u on deir shoulders can have a 2nd meaning..must have been that moron’s friends..lucky i jus had a backpack, else my luggage wud’ve reached delhi without me..n as soon as i was thrown out the train started movin..my mind took a little time to register the situation n as soon as i did, i ran n jumped into a sleeper compartment..saw one guy sittin near d door so i asked “general?” he was like”No, waiting“..hearin dat i relaxed my muscle n told him”Im general“..he smiled..wen d train reachd agra, i went to the ttr n frustratingly asked for a seat again n he was like “chanceless..the trainz full“..Then i decided..bloody man, i’l better get on a bus n travel to delhi..that wud b a lot better than travellin in d train again..n i did dat…n bus journey was heavenly..had good greenery around too ..(if you knw wat i mean..)

There ended my adventurous trip to delhi..while i boarded d train while returnin, i felt sooo damn proud f my berth..felt like huggin n kissin it…